spam
1/31/2009 8:37:00 PM
On Fri, 30 Jan 2009 23:33:57 -0500, "Brian M. Scott"
<b.scott@csuohio.edu> wrote:
>On Fri, 30 Jan 2009 19:17:53 -0600, Suzanne Blom
><sueblom@execpc.com> wrote in
><news:Zp6dnejeGsAiOx7UnZ2dnUVZ_sninZ2d@posted.localnet> in
>rec.arts.sf.composition:
>
>> "Brian M. Scott" <b.scott@csuohio.edu> wrote in message
>> news:1rznkqivu5tjw.6pt5ydr7mq8c.dlg@40tude.net...
>
>>> On Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:19:28 -0900, Bill Swears
>>> <wswears@gci.net> wrote in
>>> <news:ZN6dned0o4dc7B_UnZ2dnUVZ_uidnZ2d@posted.mtasolutions>
>>> in rec.arts.sf.composition:
>
>>>> Jonathan L Cunningham wrote:
>
>>>>> No, it is for another reason. The story of Sophie
>>>>> Langtree, and her dismal fate, is told in hushed tones
>>>>> around the log fires in the picturesque little public
>>>>> houses where the people of Meritrea gather behind locked
>>>>> and bolted doors after dusk
>
>>>> Sentence a little too long and involved for me.
>
>>> Not for me. The commas need to go, but otherwise I rather
>>> like it.
>
>> I even like the commas--makes it sound like something said
>> in a hushed tone maybe looking around to see if anyone's
>> paying attention. [...]
>
>The make 'and her dismal fate' a parenthetical addition
>instead of giving it equal billing with her, as the sense
>seems to require.
The sense was, indeed, parenthetical. There were a number of objections,
so I was thinking the commas had to go.
But I like them, and I think Suzanne's vote outweighs all the votes
against. (If every plant and animal in the world votes against the
commas, they will be doomed for all eternity. Yet if even one person
feels there is any merit in them, they will be reprieved.)
FWIW, imagine a story teller, sitting by the fire:
"This is the story of Sophie Langtree..." He looks around the audience
before continuing in hushed tones, "and her dismal fate." :-) :-)
Ok, that's different again. And isn't right. But YKWIM.
I might change the commas to em dashes. Continuous prose, without the
pauses, is a little too prosaic for the tone I was aiming for.
Jonathan